You Try Being This Chipper

What on earth

2007-08-20T13:57:00.000-07:00

Makes you think you have the right to talk shit about me or my son, let alone on his birthday. Stupid bitch. He is two years old, and no matter what problems you have with me, he didn't do shit to you. He is only a baby. Why would you think it's ok to put up a blog that states in the title it is about him and the fact that today is his birthday...and then make it so that I can't see it? What is wrong in your head that you think this is ok? As a matter of fact what is wrong with you that makes you think it's ok to talk shit about a 2 year old? What are you, 4? I cannot believe your audacity and stupidity... Whore.

Journey Towards Initiation: My First Year and a Day

2006-10-04T11:26:00.000-07:00

I am a witch. An initiated first degree Gardnerian-Alexandrian Wiccan to be precise. Trained and initiated by those that were trained and initiated before me. I have made some vows, there are some things I cannot tell you, but for the most part, this is the story of how I got here.
.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
It all started one uneventful evening surfing the web with my roomates. We were loking through the religious pages, just to see what they had to say. We happened upon a Wicca page which looked rather interesting so I decided to read it. I had heard of Wicca of course, but I had dismissed it like so many others do. Dismissed it as the shock religion of the teen goth culture. A bunch of confused Christian raised children rebelling against their parents in any way possible. Reading this site I saw that there was much more to it than that.
You see, I have always been fascinated with theology, and the ancient pagan religions in specific. My parents, the wonderful people that they are, knew that I would not accept any religion without first investigating my options. They taught me to accept everyone's faith, learn as much as I could, and make my own. I was an agnostic. I had faith in a higher being, but I didn't know, nor did I really care who it was. I figured I would find out when I died, or I wouldn't.
That night I read, and read, and then read some more. I read the entire website, and a couple others. I was shocked to find that most of the things that I had taken from other faiths were all in the same place. Plural gods and goddesses, heaven, but no hell, reincarnation, and so much more. It was all there. My roomates laughed at my enthusiasm. My random exclamations, agreeing with that which I was reading. I made the decision that night that I wanted to find more of these people. I wanted to join a group of like minded individuals. I wanted to celebrate the change of seasons, I wanted to sing and dance and find a group of people to sing and dance with me.
I started searching. I found books. Books upon books. "Textbooks" designed to teach one the craft and allow them to "self initiate". Novels about young women lighting candles with a snap of their fingers and flying through the night on broomsticks. What I did not find however was one single non-fiction book about what it is really like. Nothing to say, I have been where you are. This is how I got through. That is what this book is. This is my story. My journey. If you are looking to learn the craft, put this book down, I am not here to teach you. If you want to share my experience, I invite you heartily. Pull up a chair though, it was a very long year and a day.
.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Several weeks after my fateful internet adventure I got into the car with my mom. She was being very supportive as always and was taking me around town to try to find that elusive group of people with which I would share a religion. We had looked through the phone book for occult shops and found 2 different listings. The first was a large chain of stores located all around town. The second, a small place I had never heard of, named after a little known Jimmy Stewart movie.
We first went to large chain store located nearest us. Inside I was inundated by the sight of crystals hanging from everything. Large containers of stones to which 2 women seemed to be talking.
"I only take those which speak to me," one of them said when I looked at her.
Ok then. Shye seemed to mean this quite literally, so Idecided to talk to the store clerk, leaving the woman asking the stones which of them would be willing to help her.
Everything in this store was beautiful and very expensive. I commented to the clerk that I was thinking about becoming a Wiccan and did she have any reccomendations. She told me about a couple of books with a bored look, and then said that they offered a six week course for "only" $250 that would end with me having my very own book of spells photocopied right out of the books that they had there. I thanked her and said I would think about it.
I left that store disappointed. Was this all I would find? A world of people talking to rocks and bored teenagers offering me a six week course in Wicca? Where were al lthe real witches? Was the craft so secret that one had to be born into it to get the proper training? We left that store, but decided to go to the other one anyway. Maybe they, at least, would have some information on how to join a coven, if it was even really possible.
An hour later we finally found it. Nestled in a small shopping center I had driven by dozens of times. We pulled up and took our first good look at the place which would become my second home for the next four years. Painted on the window in fancy lettering were the words that would change my life. "Free Wicca Classes." Could it be true, could this be the place I was looking for all along?
As we entered the store a small bell tinkled in the doorway. This was a sound I would become very familiar with. We stood to take a good look around. The thing I remember most was the smell. There was a wonderful incense burning, sweet and smoky atthe same time. It was a very comforting smell. The store was lit perfectly, dim enough to give it some atmosphere, but bright enough to read the covers of the books, and the lables on all the jars. Boy were there jars. Herbs and oils lined one entire wall. Such strange names they had. Dragons Blood ink and oil, Doves Blood ink, Crown of Success oil, Money Drawing, Fast Luck, Come to Me, Hexing. More than I could ever read in a day. The other walls had books, candles of every shape and size, incenses, charcoals, and bath salts. In the center there were glass cases which held jewelry, stones, a few crystals, statues of many gods and goddesses. On the center shelf, upon a pedestal was a beautiful Egyptian goddess, with wings spread, looking serenely out onto the horizon.
"Bright Blessings. May I help you?"
We had been standing and looking around at this room right in the doorway. I looked to my right and saw an older woman. She looked frail, but exuded a strength that one rarely sees in this world.
"Ummm, yeah, I was kinda thinking about um converting or...whatever it is when you want to switch to um Wicca or something."
I was stammering like an idiot. With one glance I could tell that this woman had forgotten more about thecraft than I would ever know. I felt suddenly insecure, like a foolish youngster that I had judged others to be. I felt that at that very moment I was being judged, that she was seeing if I was worthy of even speaking to. Then she smiled. She told me all about the books that they had for beginners, she sold me a "grab bag" that had all of the components of a spell, candle, oil, incense, charcoal, bath salt, as well as a small pendant of the same goddess that stood watching over their showroom. She also told me all abouttheir Wicca classes, and that they had another one starting soon, and that she thought I should come.
She also showed me their temple room. A huge altar dominated one wall of the room, yet another figure of this same goddess perched atop this altar, along with many, many burning candles, most in jars, some not. There were quite a few other things on this altar as well. A sword, two knives, a large brass bowl on a cushion with a small thing that appeared to be a one handled rolling pin beside it. Other things as well, far too many to list, but these were the most prominent. She explained that this was where the students who did not have an altar at home could do their spellwork. She made me feel very welcome.
I left that store feeling much better about this choice of mine. I had signed up for these Wicca Classes and was to be expecting a call within the next month or so. The next few weeks were a bit of a whirlwind. I was reading the books that I had purchased. I did the spell that I purchased, it was a success spell and I got a new job, offered to me within hours of my candle burning out. I began to look atthe world in a different way. I saw balance in places I had not seen it before. The male and female aspect of everything. There is no good without evil, there is no life without both male and female, and there is nor order without chaos, but without balance all is chaos.
.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
By May first I had gotten the phone call, all they said was to bring a notebook and a pen, and to be there by 7pm on Wednesday. That was when our classes were to be held, 7pm on Wednesdays.
I entered the store at 6:30 pm on the assigned Wednesday, filled with trepidation. Who were these people? Would I like them? Had I made the right choice? I saw other people waiting like I was, there were about 30 nervous looking people with notebooks and pens, and about 35 more wearing hooded robes. Some on white, others in black, with different colors on the edges of their sleeves. All were wearing knotted ropes tied around their waists, and all had knives tucked into these ropes.
At 7:15 or so several of the very friendly young men and women in white ushered us into the temple room and seated us on cushions on the floor. A young man in white came up to the altar and took the brass bowl and rolling pin looking thing. He struck the bowl twice with the cylinder of wood and an immediate hush came over the room. With each strike came a loud, clear ring. I had never seen a bell like this. After about two or three minutes he struck the bell again, this time three strikes. Then he put the bell down and went to join all the other robed people in the store section of the building. We all sat there, looking around, no knowing what to expect next.
A woman entered the room. An older woman, with jet black hair and a crown upon her head. She wore robes of black and purple. Hers were the only ones of those colors in the room. Everyone in a robe parted to make way for her, and then she stood in front of us. She took several full minutes looking each of us in the eye in utter silence. And then she spoke.
"So, you want to be witches."

to be continued...

My first kisses...

2006-10-03T17:26:00.000-07:00

I have decided that I want to start my own blog challenge. So every now and again I will blog about something and challenge all of my readers (friends or not) to do one of their own about the same subject.
Today will be your first kiss.
There is a family of people that I used to hang out with a lot. Most of them are here on myspace now, including their mom. My first kiss, and my first real "makeout session" both took place within their home. The middle daughter, whom I shall refer to as "Blondie" was part of my group of friends and their mom was pretty cool, so we were always at their house. Blondie loved parties. The fancier the better. Her birthday was near Christmas time and she always had a huge party for all of her friends, that inevitably turned into a sleepover.
My very first kiss ever was at the first of her birthday parties. Her mom taught us this kissing game. A little strange I know, especially considering the came used a lit cigarette. I wonder sometimes, now that I am a mom, what she was thinking. But at least she was in the room with us, making sure nobody was smoking the cigarette. That's something I guess. Anyway you take a plastic cup and put a tissue across the top held on by a rubber band. You put a coin in the center of the tissue and proceed to burn holes in the tissue. Whoever drops the coin has to kiss someone. I was very good at this game and by the end there was only me and 1 guy who hadn't kissed anyone. They realized this and decided that we must kiss.
I was painfully shy as a kid and teen. I did not want my first kiss to be in front of a group of people I went to school with with a strange guy I had never net before while they were chanting Kiss Kiss Kiss at me. I walked out of the house and walked around for a few minutes. When I got back they were still trying their damndest to talk me into it. They guy and I went into one of the bedrooms in the house. We discussed it and decided they wouldn't leave us alone unless we did kiss. He was nearly as embarassed as I was. We kissed lightly, but then when we opened the door nobody believed that we did it so we kissed again. All in all not a great experience.
At this same party I met blondies boyfriend. I have always suffered from unavailable man syndrome, as anyone who knows the circumstances surrounding my courtship and marriage of my husband can tell you. Blondies boyfriend and his friend that was with him were both cowboys. Tight jeans, button down shirts, hats and boots, the whole nine. Goddam those were two friggen hotties. The night of the first kiss there was also a lot of dancing. I am very short and always have been. These boys were spinning me around Blondies hardwood floor like I was a top. I loved it and developed quite a crush on both of these boys. I didn't do anything about it though, because as I said I was painfully shy.
Exactly one year later Blondies party came around again. She had decided to break it off with her cowboy and wrote him a scathing letter to do it. She showed it to me that morning. She gave it to him when he got there. He was disappointed, but stuck around the party anyway. I was again twirled around the dance floor all evening, and when bedtime came everyone else went into Blondies room. I was very naive. I remember I was eating chips and salsa and he sat down and ate some with me and then he wandered around the house in search of chapstick. I had no clue what was about to happen.
We lay down on the L shaped couch with our heads facing each other. It started slowly, his fingers grazed my hand. I got butterflies in my stomach. I thought it might have been an accident. Then I felt it again. This time his fingers were gliding along my hand and up my arm. I get all smiley just remembering the feeling. Sheer joy. He touched my cheek, ever so lightly. tilted my head towards his. And then he kissed me. We kissed for what seemed like hours. Slowly he slid down and we were kissing everywhere (almost, I was new to this after all) Shoulders, arms, breasts, stomach.
When we were really into it at some point they all came out of Blondies room. We quickly pretended to be asleep. I don't think they believed we were asleep though since his head was between my boobs and mine was up against his bare chest. But we listened as they made fun of me. I don't even remember what was said, but I do remember it was not kind. After they went back to her room we continued. He assured me that he thought I was beautiful and nice and that he was having a really good time. Eventually he worked his way back up to my mouth. We fell asleep in the wee hours of the morning, holding hands.
I stopped hanging out with those friends at that point. I realized that they didn't really like me, I was just the fat girl that made them look better in their own eyes. They had no respect for me as a person. Blondies sisters were always nice to me, but I discovered that she was not so nice to me behind my back. I have never spoken to Cowboy again after that. I realize now that he was probably using me to ease his own pain. I am ok with that. It is still one of my best memories, and the first time a guy ever made me feel beautiful and desireable.
Thank you Cowboy for being nice, and thank you Blondie for breaking up with him and giving me one of the best nights of my life.

$300 Vans ROCK!!!!

2006-07-23T17:47:00.000-07:00

So as you may or may not have realized by now my weekend is Thursday/Friday. I was not here yesterday, and I'll tell you why. Let me start at the beginning. When my little egg died in Santa Cruz we bought the neighbor's van. He sold it to us for the fantastic price of $300. It ran, but not very well, and it gives me problems, but not very many. Until now.
Friday started out like any other payday. After Husband-man put on his costume I dropped him off at work. I proceeded to pay a bill and then went merrily on my way to pick up my paycheck. Singing along to the radio, blissfully unaware I was about to start the worst weekend ever. As I pulled into the street after paying my bill the van stalled. no big deal, it does this all the time. I hit my hazard lights, pulled off and tried to re-start the van. Nothing. Normally it starts right up. Wait a few minutes, try again. It finally starts, and runs only long enough for me to get up to speed, then it dies again. Thankfully I am right next to a driveway, so I pull in and coast into a spot. Wait 10 minutes or so and then start it again. This time it gets me almost halfway to work. Then it starts sputtering again. By this time I am crying and literally beggin the gods to just let me get to work. No luck. Instead I get some random guy waving at me to pull over.
He comes up to the window, he hasn't shaved in what appears to be several days, he has a beer in a bag, he still has the tag on his ballcap, but other than all that he seems ok. ~smirk~ He walks up to my open window (did I mention that it's over 100° out and I have no air conditioning?) and says to me,
"I can hear it." That all, just that he can hear that my car is on crack. i say to him,
"I know, it should re-start right now, but thanks..." Thinking "Get the hell away from my car" I try it and thankfully it starts right up this time. So then he says to me,
"I was going to help you...Can you give me a ride?"
ummm, thanks but no. Can we say psycho, I knew we could. So I say to him,
"Thanks for trying, but I have a kid at home, I can't afford to let strangers in my car. I hope you understand."
"But I was going to help you, it's hot and I don't want to take the bus"
"Again sir, I'm really sorry, but no I cannot give you a ride."
And I drive away. Not one half block later the damn thing quits again. And it WILL NOT start again. Here comes ballcap guy. I'm on the phone with Daddy-man telling him whats going on and he comes up saying, well at least let me push you out of traffic. Daddy thinks this is a good idea since I am blocking a lane so I agree. Together we push this van into a driveway into the place where they are extending the airport. I call Daddy-man back to let him know I am out of traffic and he says that he is sending a tow-truck since he no longer has a car to come and save me. I give Ball-cap guy 2 bucks for his trouble, here's your bus fare on me, and he runs off to catch his bus. Which he misses. He comes back to me, while I'm still on the phone with Daddy-man he asks,
"Is someone coming to get you?"
"I have a tow-truck coming, thanks though."
"I missed my bus"
"I saw that, I'm really sorry, thank you for helping me."
"Can I get a ride with you?"
"ummmm, It's a tow-truck coming for me so I don't know."
"Can I get a ride with the tow-truck driver?"
"I really don't know"
"Can I wait with you for the tow-truck?"
"I'm not really comfortable with that." (He was creepy you know?) At this point my dad says, let me talk to him.
"Hello sir, who am I? I'm just a guy that was waiting for a bus ans I saw a van in trouble so I told her to pull over, but then she got it re-started, but she wouldn't give me a ride, and I found a lucky penny today, and maybe if she had given me a ride the luck would have worn off to her and she would have made it all the way to whe...
"Why should I leave? I helped push her out of traf...
"But I could be an angel, god is watching over all of us. You never know I could be an angel...
"But I'm not anything else, I don't see why I can't jsut ask the tow-truck driv...
So then I break-in,
"Let me talk to my dad please. Hey daddy, there's a fed-ex across the street, I'm going to go over there and wait for the tow OK."
So I crossed the street to the Fed-ex office, where they were amazingly nice to me. After which ball-cap guy was not seen again. So what if he may have been an ok guy who really was just hot and tired, he creeped me out. My buddy with the tow-truck was not able to come after all so after waiting in the fed-ex break-room for like 90 minutes I went back out and the truck started, finally. I got it to my work and there I decided to wait for my Tapioka and Some Pirate (Who's new haircut looks great, if even a little too gelled back for my taste) to be picked up by B.D.. They followed me home (I love you guys thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!) to make sure I got there safe, even though they had plans for the night and I live all the way across town from me.
After that wonderful day I woke up the next morning extra early so that if I have problems with the van I would still have time to get to work on time. 7:effing:30 am and the van won't start. Just flat ass won't start. So I call my boss, voice mail, call my other boss, voice mail, call my first boss again, still voice mail, call the main office, nobody's there yet. Wait 15 minutes, try the van again, still nothing, make all the phone calls again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Until after 8:30 when my boss calls me back and says,
"You have to come in. I have nobody to cover you"
"Really sorry, but I have no way of getting in"
"I need you to come in, so and so's out of town and I have mobody to cover you." Sooooo not my fault, you have like 6 people who are fully trained to cover my position.
"Again, I have no way of getting in. I'm really sorry, but I just can't"
"Where's your dad, can't he bring you?"
I think to myself (Not that it's any of your business but)"he no longer has a car and is currently on the bus to get home"
"Don't you have any friends that can drive you in?"
"All of my friends with cars are already at work...I'm really REALLY sorry, but I can't come in today, I have no way of getting in there. I will be there tomorrow, but I cannot come in today."
(insert sarcastic tone here) "Thanks Oatmeal, thanks a lot" And she hangs up on me.
Now at about 10:30 Daddy-man gets home and fiddles around with the van for like 15 minutes and says it's not fixed, but should be good to get husband-man to work and cash my paycheck. So like Deja-Vu all over again, husband man gets on his costume and we're off. Again we're fine until after I drop him off. Just as I get to the corner to get into the parking lot to cash my check it dies. Again. Wait through one light cycle and try again. It fires up long enough to get into the driveway and then stalls again. Wait 15 more minutes, start it, and get into a parking space to cash my check.
After cashing said check I once again walk towards the grey van of doom. Dreading even turning the key. Well at least it starts right away. That's something right? Right? Red light, dead van. A teenaged kid waiting for the crosswalk drops his bike, runs over, and says, put it into neutral, I'll push you into that driveway. Ok easy enough. I get out and steer with one hand while helping him push and the van gets going pretty fast, I think to myself how strong this kid must be to be pushing the van that fast.
After the grey van of doom gets into the driveway I see that 2 roadworkers were helping (that explains it). They ask if I have a phone to call for help, and then leave. The way you're supposed to if you help a stranger push their vehicle dammit. Thank you to those men, they, and alice from Fed-Ex are my true angels.
I walk over to the mechanic shop down the road. I say to the mechanic,
"Can you help me, it's vapor locked, I have the tool to fix it, but I don't know how, I'll give you $20 if you could do me this favor"
"Sorry lady, I'm really busy, if you're still there in a few hours I may be able to help."
So eventually I get it started again. Especially since I'm in the driveway of a power station that says no parking tow area. I get it about 2 blocks down the road. Can you guess what happens next? I knew you could. fortuantely this time I can coast onto a side street and park next to a house, so at least I'm legal. I called my house. 5 1/2 hours of sweat and dehydration sitting on the side of the road in a strange neighborhood (thank the gods for the Ice-Cream man!) Daddy-man finally pulls up having had to take a taxi to get there. He bully's the grey van of doom, which is waaaay past babying anymore, home. He is fixing it today, he had to bully it to work for me today too.
So how was your week?

You know what irks the shit out of me?

2006-06-28T11:27:00.000-07:00

*Gets out a soapbox and climbs on it. Promptly falls through, because her soap comes in a cardboard box. Grumbles, looks around and finds a milk crate. Climbs on that. Ahhh much better*

When I'm driving down the street on my way to work and some asshole cuts me off, when there's nobody in sight behind me, and then slows down. That's so freaking irritating. And then beyond the fact that they seen to think that the little white sign withthe big black 45 on it is just a suggestion, when I change lanes to get around their 30 mph driving ass they also change lanes. and they can't seem to figure outthe complexities of the little stick on the side of their steering wheel so they don't even put on a blinker. Unless maybe they think they have a that they're inspector gadget. Yeah, maybe that's it, Maybe they're in their car going "Go-Go Gadget Blinker". Eitehr way it didn't work asshole, and now your dumb slow ass has cut me off again. And The thing that irritates me the very most about this situationn? Why, why in the fuck is is ALWAYS some asshole in a Corvette that did it. you spent approximately 2-3 years of my salary on a car that is made to go fast! Drive it fuckhead! Do they think that the wind is going to scratch their pretty silver paint or what? Listen to me asshole, you will not be admired any more for your chice in cars unless you show that you know how to drive it! I know that it is a replacement for the dick that you do not have, nad you like said dick to be handled gently, but this is a car, not a penis. You need to at least pretend to be confident enough to DRIVE THE FUCKING SPEED LIMIT AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!!!!

Ahem, thank you.

*climbs off of her milk crate, picks up the squished remains of her soapbox and skips away, whistling the theme to the Andy Griffith show.*

Grief ...

2006-06-13T12:11:00.000-07:00

Six days after my beautiful boy was born at 12:04 am we got a phone call. I answered the phone with "It's 12:04 am and I have a 6 day old baby." I was tired and cranky, I will always regret that. On the other side of the line I heard my sister in laws voice, "I know what time it is, I need to talk to Cory" I immediately knew that something was wrong and handed the phone to Husband-man..."It's Lessa, something's wrong"
That is how we found out that his brother had passed on. Way up north in Alaska where we couldn't even be there for them. As I knelt on the floor beside him with one hand holding his and the other resting on his knee I saw a look of horror rise onto his face. When he hung up the phone he let loose a roar the likes of which I have never heard, and hope to never hear again.

Almost 10 months later he is still working hard to feel whole again. Likewise his sister has been struggling with trying to surive the pain and grief of it all. She is taking a trip, leaving in 2 days and having a very difficult time. She doesn't want to go she just wants him to be alive again and then everything will be ok.

Sis is one of the strongest people I know. She loves life and travel. She has been everywhere. But the pain of losing her brother is enough to shake her ever present confidence. Husband-man is the same. Every week or so, while we are doing something fun or when his life is really going good he get suddenly sad. When I ask him what it is he says he misses his brother. After such a tragic and unexpected loss it seems that those the very closest have the hardest times. When they are sad they have no one to share the sadness with, when they are happy they want to share that joy with their lost loved one only to be reminded once again that person is not there. I cannot imagine the sorrow going through them. For so long all they had was each other. They still have no other family to speak of. Neither of them is really good at talking to each other, so even when they are feeling badly, Husband-man doesn't want to upset Sis by calling her and I suspect the same is true of her.

I don't know what to do to help them. These are two of the most important people left in my life. I also loved Brother-man and miss him terribly, but I only knew him for a short time, only met him twice, and the pain is gone for me. I am also a beleiver in the Summerlands where we wait for our family and rest between lives only to start again. I wasn't truly convinced of my conviction of belief until it was tested. I was devastated when we first found out, but I had to remain strong for Husband-man. After I had time to reflect I still have remnants of selfish sadness for the man that was lost. And not so selfish sadness for his children who will have to frow up the rest of the way without him. I do, however, think that he is watching over us and waiting to laugh with us before it is time for us to start our next lives together. That makes me feel better, but does nothing to help those that I love deal with their pain. In the end I suppose that we all have to deal with death in our own way, and all I really can do is stand beside them and love them. As I told her, It probably will not get better, but it will get easier.

Notes from the universe

2006-05-31T15:07:00.000-07:00

I saw a link in a friends blog and decided to ry it, now every day I get these wonderfule e-mails and they make me feel so good. I thought I'd share one with you.

Hello lovely face.

How are you today?

Gorgeous... yes. I like how your self-confidence has been soaring lately.

Cindy, remember the last time when you blew some little thing
way out of proportion and thought it just might derail your entire life?

Yeah, it still cracks us up too.

Anyhow, just wanted to remind you of your supernatural rebounding
skills.

You will always prevail,
The Universe

Thoughts become things... choose the good ones! ®
© www.tut.com ®

Not on your "worst day," during your lowest ebb, nor through your most
challenging affairs, will that ever, ever happen, XXXXXXXXXXX.

I think this is them nicest thing anyone has said to me lately. It's nice to get a little bit of sunshine into every day. get your own notes from the universe at tut.com I think, just look for notes from the universe.

They really do make my day a little better every time.

Seperation of church and library....

2006-05-27T10:57:00.000-07:00

So, last week I read the DaVinci code and I loved it. It helps that I am a pagan and not, like, a member of the Opus Dei. It spoke of a lot of myths and theories I have hear since I was a child. For anyone who hasn't read this book I am including spoilers.

In my search for the path that fit me best I studied all faiths, upon studyind the ancient roots of christianity I found several books that theorized that the Holy Grail was in actuality the womb of Mary Magdelene. I have seen proof that the church will indeed kill to make a point, including "You will believe what we tell you and ignore anything that disagrees with it." I have seen many art books make the relatively minor mistake of calling the last supper a "fresco". All in all this FICTION book is based in some part on historical fact.
I realize thatsome of these facts the church is, understandably, upset about. For some strange reason it is incredibly important that Christ, while living as a man on earth, did not live as a man. He came to earth to live the life of a man, yet they will not accept that during this experiment he did the most miraculous things that a man can do. Creating the miracles of love and new life.
What has got me ranting about this is not their opinions on these subjects. People are entitled to believe whatever suits them best.

What has me upset is the fact that last night I watched a documentary on the History Channel called "Breaking the DaVinci Code." I naturally assumed that this would explore both sides of the debate in an unbiased and fact based way considering this was the History Channel. I was wrong. The three so-called "experts" thatthey presented were all right-wing Christian "historians" who has written books such as the "DaVinci Hoax". The entire documentary was to explore all the many and varied ways that Dan Brown was "wrong" They seriously came 1 step short of calling him a witch and calling for their poeple to stone him to death. Granted he took literary license with some of the historical facts in the book. What writer doesnt? The only things that he has actually claimed to be fact is that there are orginazations called the Opus Dei, the Priory of Sion, and that his architechtural and artistic informations is accurate. Never did he claim that his history is true. His book is in the fiction section for a reason people!

There is historical information that suggests that Christ and Mary Magdelene were married, altough most would never admit it. There was a council of Niccea and a council of Ephesus (which is not mentioned in the book) that decided not only the extent of the Divinity of Christ, but also his birthdate, the fact that he was a miracle birth, that Mary was a virgin, the dates of his crucifixion, amongst other things. The truth is Christ was probably born in or around August. Try telling that to a devout Christian.

They also in this "documentary" state that there is no pagan or femenine sexuality symbolized in any of the ancient Cathedrals of Europe. This is complete horseshit. Plain and simple. They don't want to see it, but it is there and widely recognized. Archways and chalices have symbolized woman and the sexual organs of such since several hundred years pre-christ. The green man is widely represented on a great many cathedrals including Notre-Dame in Paris.

Why, you might ask? Because the people who built these Cathedrals were the lowest bidder, and most of the laborers of the age stuck to the old ways much longer than the upper classes. They also knew that they would be made to follow these faith in time. The cathedrals were often built directly upon the sacred sites and circles that these people had worshipped on for ages. For that very reason. Because people follow their habits. They had always worshipped there so it was easier to get them to go there.

Again, I am not saying that they do not have the right to believe what they believe, however it is completely outrageous that on the History Channel where fact is supposed to be law they hare having a biased, skewed "documentary" wherein the last line is "Should we trust a fiction author for the truth? No but the truth is out there, probably on your own bookshelf." While showing a picture of the bible. There was an age when people understood that the bible was allegory. A series of stories to show the power of faith and make people realize the value of morals and ethics. Anybody who actually believes that Christ healed the dead or walked on water, or that Noah gathered 6 pairs of every clean animal and 2 pair of every unclean animal (and yes those are the actual numbers quoted in the bible) and fit them all onto a boat that was only 40 armlengths long (a cubit is the length from elbow to the front of your closed fist) is an Idiot. Likewise anyone who believe that Apollo actually carried the sun across the sky in a chariot, or that Zeus actually throws lightning from the sky, or that Buddha actually sat beneath a tree for 20 years without moving, or any of the stories from every faith that are simply symbolic are fact. And anyone who thinks that their faith will be hurt by a fiction writer putting forth information theorized for hundreds of years before he was born, obviously does not have enough faith.

And now for something completely different.

2006-05-20T16:23:00.000-07:00

I am feeling a little down so I think I need to go over all of the things in my life that I am happy about. Watch out, it's a long list.

My son, my beautiful boy. He is nine months old today. He is as old as it tooke me to build him. Wow, time slips by so fast. He is happy and healthy and he makes me laugh. Sometimes ofr no reason at all he takes the bottle out of his mouth and blows raspberries. It is the cutest thing ever. He has 4 teeth now and he bites :) It's really cute. He climbs, he thinks I am a mountain. When I get home from work if I don't immediately pick him up and play with him he cries until I do. He loves me.

My Husband. My rock. He says that I am his rock, but he really does it for me. He wakes up every morning before I leave for work to tell me how beautiful I am. He takes care of our button and loves him to pieces. He is torn aprat by the fact that we cannot do more for our oldest, who live with his mom in AK. He makes me laugh too, then again he is a clown, he makes everyone laugh. I love rubbing his feet and his back, it sounds weird, but I do. It makes me feel closer to him.

My mommy. My friend. She is an amazing human being who will give her very life for me or my boys. She treats everyone as though they were her very own. She has days when she is in so much pain that she can barely move, yet she is happy and cheerful. She also makes me laugh. When we watch gilmore girls together and we all sing the theme song together. She used to call me very commercial break during the show. We are very close. I don't know what I would do without her.

My Daddy. I am 26 years old and he is still daddy. And he will still use his entire vacation to fix our cars and drive to another state to pick up my other car that broke down. I know becaue he did it this week. He works his ass off and still finds time to hang out with the button.

My friends. All of them. They are there for me when I need them. I can invite them over for dinner or just talk on the phone for hours. I have gone for years without talking to them and restarted again like nothing happened. I know that if I ever need anything I can call and I will have the love and support of people that are really more like sisters than friends.

OK so the list isn't as long as I thought it would be. Turns out the little things that make me happy are all incorporated with the big things. My family and friends are there for me and the all make me smile and laugh. That is what is truly important. I feel better now, thanks for listening.

What ever happened to...

2006-05-20T16:21:00.000-07:00

That is a question that I often ask about the people that I was close to in my youth. I'm sure we all do. I am so glad that I have found and reconnected with some (and one in particular) of those people. I couldn't be happier that they are grown and responsible with lives of their own. I amazes me more and more every day.
Then I have days where I find out that some of these friends did not fare as well as I did, nor even as well as I had hoped for them that they would. I am shocked and appalled to hear what some of them are going through these days, and the factthat they do not see what good people they are and that they do not deserve these terrible things to happen to them. For others i am even more shocked at what horrible human beings they have become. What kind of world do we live in that a beautiful girl who was a bit on the boy crazy side, but had a heart of gold, now has lost custody of her child and is making no effort to get it back. Because she doesn't have the time. Fuck That!
How do these things happen to our friends. Where were the people that were supposed to care for and love them to make sure that that kind of shit doesn't happen. What of the one that is perfectly happy to be moving to another state so that she and her children can stop having to answer the questions of "where did you get those bruises?" instead she will move across the country with the man who keeps giving them to her. What of her family that should be keeping her locked in their home with her kids so that she does not have to endure that any more. Why would you allow that to happen to your child! And what will become of the boys who are taught by their dad that this is the proper way to treat your wife.
And last but not least, the girl who thought she had it all, and now has a deadbeat husband that cannot keep her and their children in a home, but is willing to pay the exorbitant fees at the swingers clubs. How did she who thought she was a princess end up with the toad after all. Perhaps because she wasn't the princess that she thought she was.
How was I so lucky to find the man that I truly love. Iwas the one that everyone thought would grow up to be a 45 year old virgin with 75 cats and too fat to get out of bed and feed them. I knew this is what people thought, but I didn't care. I love myself for who I am and I have a family that loves and supports me in everything that I do. Maybe that's the difference. My parents were parents, they weren't my best friends, not were they my dictators. I do count them amongst my friends now, but I am 26 years old. And when they need to be parents they are.
My brothers had those same parents though and they turned out to be two of the biggest shitheads on the face of the planet. Granted one of them is finally growing up as far as he tells us, but I still have a hard time beleiving it. The other one, well I'm just waiting to get the call telling me and my parents to come and ID him. Sad but true. They are a study in Nature vs Nurture. Both of my brothers were raised by my dad, but they each had a fdifferent father. They only each met hteir fathers a total of like 6 times between the 2 of them. Amazing then that they both act just like them. They were raised to be good men who loved their women and took care of their families. Neither of them does this.
So maybe luck does have something to do with it after all. That scares the piss out of me. What happens if we do everything right, and my beautiful innocent be ends up like my brother. I cannot imagine the pain my mother endures every day knowing that the beautiful little boy that she loved and raised turned out to be the abusive, drug addicted thieving bastard that he is. Or like the other one, whom it took until he was 29 and out of prison again to finally grow up. That's what scares me. My parents did everything right and in the end it didn't help. I guess all I can do is ask the gods to watch over my Button and keep him safe. In the end he will be who he is and nothing anyone does can change it.
Sorry a little down today, I will be more cheery in the next one I promise.

I wish

2006-05-10T16:38:00.000-07:00

So I was thinking today about my first true love. His name is Adam and we were going to be married. He was a wonderful and laid back kind of guy who could play anything on his guitar that he heard. I remember many many stoned nights in his bedroom just listening. I fell in love with him while I was dating his best friend. I have always suffered from unavailable man syndrome, although I can honestly say I have never cheated on or with anyone. At least not physically, but the heart feels what the heart feels. The friend and I broke up amicably, and I think he knew what I felt for Adam before I did. After Steven and I broke up I started talking to Adam about my feelings. He is the first man I have ever shared my true feelings with. We talked on the phone for hours every night. We visited each other regularly. I told him I loved him, he said "I know" he disappeared for awhile and when he returned he said that he had been out doing some hard core things and he didn't want to expose me to that. We started talking again, and although we never officially dated we still knew that we were in love. His family loved me too and they were great, I still talk to his mom. One night we were having another phone talk and he was saying how 5 years down the line he saw us married with a couple of kids running around. He said we could be together forever. He said he loved me. I never spoke to him again. He ran away, nobody knew where he was. I was sad and scared for him. Most of all I missed my friend. After about 6-7 months I spoke to his mom again, she said they had finally heard from him, he was living in another city and he was with this girl, she was pregnant. She wouldn't let him call me. I asked if she was one of those girls who wouldn't let her man talk to any women, his mom said sadly, "no, just you" I hung up the phone that night and cried and cried. Then I moved on. The next month when I went ot call his mom as usual I found that I had forgotten her phone #. Her last name too. Throughout the last few years I have tried to remember either of these things. I got married, had a baby, and tried to find my friend. I guess this is why I don't blame the ex too much for still being sad and hurt. I am. I finally found his mom's # the other day, I called and found that Adam is still with the same woman, just had another child, and seems to be happy. I gave her my # in hopes that he would call, but apparently I am still off limits. I wish I could tell him how happy I am for him, I wish I could hear that he is really happy, I wish he could still be my friend.

Links!

2006-05-09T10:27:00.001-07:00

OK this is just a short blog to say that I put links on my sidebar, some of these are super funny, some are just family or friends, and one is my myspace link. Please explore all of them, I promise a laugh or two.

bored...................................................

2006-05-07T14:32:00.000-07:00

So here I am siting here at work doing nothing. I have things that I should be doing, but I'm just not feeling it. I'm all over myspace, but none of my friends are on. This week is mothers day, my dad's birthday, and mothers day. Why is it when men havesomething to do with choosing their wedding day it has to be close to their birthday? My anniversary is also within days of my husband's birthday. I think it's so that they can remember more easily. not that that is hard being married to me. He is never at risk of forgetting any birthday or anniversary. I'm one of those irritating people who starts reminding people a month in advance. It's impossible to throw me a surprise party.
Of course as soon as I start rambling about nothing I actually have to work and now i've lost my train of thought. Time to hop another one. Why is it that people see that a lane is ending, they start warning you about it over 1 block in advance sometimes, they see the sign the same time as I did and then instead of changing lanes they speed forward until they nearly hit the traffic cones, screech to a halt and then honk because peole won't let their cheating ass in. Who taught these assholes how to drive. This is what having a drivers license does for you. I guarantee that people with no license don't do this because they don't want to be pulled over. And half of them have their phones glued to their face. This is why they invented earpieces you giant piece of shit! You nearly killed my child because that little black earpiece bothers you. OK this is a mild exaggeration, nobody recently killed my child, but they have discovered, (thank you mythbusters) that driving while talking on a cell phone is MORE dangerous than driving drunk.
My dad's bloodpressure is up. Really really high. The Dr said she isn't even so afraid of him having a heart attack so much as a stroke. My dad thinks he is 10 foot tall and bulletproof. He works a graveyard shift and then hardly sleeps during the day. He still spends his spare time under car hoods even though he got out of the business because he knew that he was getting too old for it. He has been a mechanic since he was 14, he is turning 53 on the 12th. That's a long damn time to be a grease monkey. He didn't tell us anything was wrong, mom did. He won't let us make him get any rest. He won't even let us let him get any rest. And next week he is driving to Santa Cruz to get my car that dies there because he refuses to believe that it is really dead. He wanted to do the trip in 24 hours.....it is a 10 hour drive. Mom is making him at least spend the night so he can get some rest.
Cory has been clean and sober for several months. It is very stressful for us. He was stoned for the last 20 years. He has never done anything besides Guiness and Pot. He doesn't even want to do those now. He is still drinking on occasion. I am very proud of him, but on the other hand he is very cranky. I love him with all of my heart, but someitmes I just want to knock him upside the head.
The baby is now climbing the sides of his playpen, literally. He is a little monkey, and uses his toes. At the age of 8 months he is actually doing chin ups on his crib and playpen trying to climp out. I don't know what I'm going to do when he starts walking.
Signing off now.

My Weekend

2006-05-06T11:55:00.000-07:00

Yes I live in Las Vegas where nobody's weekend is on Saturday/Sunday. Mine happens to be Wed/Thu. On Thursday night my mom and I went to go see Mamma Mia. That is the best show! Well maybe not as good as Hairspray, but really good all the same. On the way home, while pulling onto my block, not 3 houses away from mine I got pulle over. My new wan has a 20 day temporary tag, but at night you can't really see it. My dad still hasn't gotten insurance on the van and my ID is lost, I haven't been able to get a new one yet. blech. Fortunately I didn't get a ticket, but I did get lectured by the cop. I was all shaken up after that and didn't want to drive again until I absolutely had to. That was this morning on my way to work. About 1 block away from my house the Husband-man says "What's that dragging noise?" And then I heard it, ker-thump ker-thump. So I tell him while we're at the red-light, "check the tires." Sure enough tire is not just flat, but like dead. Coming off the rim completely flat. So I call Daddy-man and work to let them know Im gonna be late. Still, what have I done wrong that nothing is going right lately. I am a good person, far too friendly for my own good. I go to work, I take care of my family, and lately nothing is going right. Ah well, at least everyone is alive, and relatively healthy. Other than that my weekend was good. How about you?

blarg.....

2006-05-03T14:58:00.000-07:00

I don't really have much to talk about, but I haven't updated in awhile so here I am. My week is going well all in all. I am incredibly bored, but being here is better than our other location wherein I am superslammed all day. The Button is 8 months old now and getting smarter every day. He now says mamma, dadda, pappa, and nanna with some accuracy, althoug hmost of the time it is just baby babbling.
The ex and I had a fight the other night about some pretty random stuff, but we worked it out before the end of the night. I refuse to go to sleep mad and I won't let him either.
Having nothing to do with our fight, his ex was supposed to be married on the first, but that didn't work out and now she doesn't know if they're getting married at all. I'm truly sad for her. She is a good person with a good heart, but she seems to have issues with men in general. She had a pretty tough life and has a hard time trusting anyone. I am glad though that the Husband-man didn't agree to let this man adopt his eldest, since who knows how long they will be together.
My mom has been feeling pretty crappy lately and not able to use her hands at all. I wish that her SSI would come through but we can't find one single doctor who will state that she cannot work, we also will not find one that says she CAN work. She has to go down to the union that she was in to see about getting her benifits there since she was fully vested before she stopped working, but again she needs a Dr to say she cannot work before they will release anything since she is not yet 65.
I am trying to get healthier and have cut back to only 1 pepsi a day, for me this is a miracle. I hate water and for 1 full week that is all I drink at work. I am feeling better though. That's about it for now. Love and Light

Happy anniversary!

2006-04-24T15:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my 1 year wedding anniversary. That makes today my year and a day which is very important in my religion. Everything in the wiccan faith takes a year and a day, and the first year and a day of the marriage is almost like a trial period. That means that if you decide at the end of this period that you no longer want to be married then all you have to do is go with your priestess to the place where you were married, face away from each other and walk apart. That's it no lawyers or anything. Fortunately for me this is not something that I even considered. I have been lucky enough to have married the most wonderful man in the world. While he can be a bit moody, well more than a bit, he is still perfect for me. It is as though we were made for each other. We fell in love at the most inopportune time, as he was engaged to a woman that was carrying his child. This relationship didn't work out to say the least and after she left we got together. Everyone told us that we were in love even before this though. We are wonderfully happy and this is one of the reasons I am such a happy person. So heres to many more years!

I am NEVER putting gas in my car again!

2006-04-18T14:54:00.000-07:00

So, after this last week in SC with my car dying I thought I was done with all that nonsense. No such luck. We bought a new van, that is really very old, from the neighbor for $350. Great deal, except that one of the windows is busted out of it. Well this morning after I filled up the tank because the "hey idiot" light came on. You know the one that should scream out "Feed Me Seymour!" Anyway so I am like 10 minutes from work, once again at a red light and the van DIES. Yes again! So now I'm stuck on one of the busiest roads in vegas in the fast lane Hysterical crying and trying to get in touch with the DaddyMan who seems to have his cell turned off. While waiting for him once I got in touch with him I became amazed at the sheer idiocy of people. For 45 minutes my van had it's hazard lights on like 5 car lengths back from the stop line and NO DRIVER IN IT, as I was smart enough to get out of it before it got hit. Every single light cycle someone would climb right up on the ass of my van and wait. Too close now to see the hazard lights blinking that they should have seen as the approached. The light turns green and they wait, and wait, and honk and wait some more. Then they are so close to the vehicle that they nearly hit the car behind them that is also WAITING because they have to back up to get around the vehicle without hitting it. CHRIST! ISN'T THAT WHAT HAZARD LIGHTS ARE FOR?!?! And of course once DaddyMan got there the car started right up, as it was only flooded and in need of a tune-up. What is wrong with people, can you not see that there is NO DRIVER in a car, can't you even look before laying on your horn? PAY ATTENTION! ESPECIALLY WHEN DRIVING MORON!
and that's my rant for the day.

A week in the 60's

2006-04-12T12:02:00.000-07:00

So this week I went to the husband-man's hometown and visited with all of his old friends, as well as his sister. He is from santa Cruz, CA. This is the most beautiful town you will ever see. Everyone there is so friendly, and hippieish. I mean to the point that one of his friends gave me tye dyes socks and a onsie for the Button. It is god damn cold up there though. Life up there was great, we had a wonderful time with the sister and his friends. It all went very well until the car died. Flat ass broke down and would not start again. It is actually still there. Husband-man freaked out. His sister and I told him what happened and he started yelling at her and me and got out of the car. She drove away and Iwas still with her talking her into going back. When we got back of course the first thing I heard was how I abandoned him. We talked calmly and quietly for a while and got everything back on track. Love finds a way every time. Today is his birthday, here I am at work and he is still on a bus coming home since the baby and I took a plane. He should be home in a couple of hours. I missed him so much when he was gone. I cried myself to sleep both nights and I couldn't get the picture out of my mind of him standing on his sister'd driveway waving and blowing me kisses as the sis took the Button and me to the airport.
The child support issue is becoming more and more of a headache every day. We paid our taxes and they said, 1/2 will go to the ex and the other 1/2 will go to you. Then we got a letter stating that all was going to the ex...then we got a letter stating that it was all coming back to us.....now we have info that the check thatthey sent us is for my 1/2 only and the other 1/2 is going to the ex, but it is being held for 6 months. Gods only know why. Either way at least she isn't being a bitch about it. Ever since I apologized to her for "stealing her man" she has at least been holding her tongue about all the bad shit. Thank the gods for that. For 2 years Ihave dealt pleasantly with her happily talking shit about me, including death threats, but I am the one whe "needed" to apologize. Never mind the letter calling me a "ugly, disgusting, manipulative, bad toothed, trailer trash whore who stole her man" Never mind the blog that called me everything from a spineless twit to a giant whore. Nope I needed to apologize for falling in love. And I did :) So finally she doesn't hang up every time I answer the phone and finally she talks to him regularly without freaking out if she hears my voice in the background. Life is good.

My Life

2006-03-29T12:42:00.000-08:00

So here I am...26 years old, married for almost a year with a 7 month old baby. My husband is a clown...literally. I am a witch...literally. I moved to Vegas 14 years ago with my family. My parents live with me now instead of the other way around. I am short, round and generally happy, although some things do irritat me, and you my friends will be the ones to hear about them. I was single virtually my entire life until I met my husband. We have been together for almost 2 years now. At first, and actually until lust this week, we had many MANY problems with his ex. That is better now, but if that changes I'll let you know. The Husband-man and the folks take care of the Button while I am at work. The Button, our little-man was named after his uncle. One of the greatest men I haveever known. Wild, crazy and just generally a kick in the ass. He came out for our wedding when I was pregnant. That was the second and last time I will ever see him. My son was born 8/20/06. We talked to his uncle that night and let him know that he truely had a nephew named after him who was happy and healthy. 5 nights later we took our baby button home and got settled. The next night at 12:04 am we got a phone call. My husbands brother had passed on in his sleep. He lived in the northernmost state in our country and we were not able to get up there for the wake. That devastates the husband-man to this day. Me too to tell you the truth. Life has continued since then and we are finally able to watch out wedding video with him in it without crying anymore. I am very glad that we got that video as it has much of his brother in it.
My mom is very ill. She suffers from a very misunderstood disease. Rheumatoid Arthritis. People see the asprin commercials that say they completely relieve arthritis pain and assume she is a big faker. There are 2 knids of arthritis people! One is wear and tear on your joints and the other is a debilitating immune system disorder wherein your body starts attacking itself. Asprin don't fix that! She takes care of my son every day with a smile on her face and cries into her pillow every night wondering how long she'll be able to hold him.
My Dad worked every day of his life from ages 14 to 53 as a mechanic. At some point they industry decided it wanted younger mechanics with more computer knowledge. Cars are more technical than mechanical nowadays. He now works a graveyard shift at a major hotel/casino cleaning up your messes. He gets home at 9am every day sleeps a couple hours and then goes back to working on cars so that we'll have enough money to pay all of our bills.
My Parents are my heroes.
My brothers are criminals. I swear I don't know how they were raised in the same home thatI was. One was a car theif by trade, the other was just stupid. Both of them should have appeared on America's Dumbest Criminals at some point, and one has. Both are in their 30's now and have finally decided it is time to clean up their act. about freakin' time.
I am a practicing Witch. I have been for several years. No I will not curse someone for you. Feel free to ask me anything about this that you wish. I do not hug trees, but I do respect them. I follow the seasons as much as possible in a town that only has 2. Way too Hot and way too Cold. My wedding was a handfasting, we jumped a broomstick, and had our wrists bound together. That broomstick adorns our front door now and the Cords that bound us sit at the head of our marriage bed except when they are on the husband-man's cowboy hat. Most of those times I am also wearing my Cowboy hat with my wreath of flowers that I was wearing at the wedding.
Yes I said Cowboy hats. On top of it all I am a redneck, and damn proud of it. I listen to country music, drink beer and jack, and kick off my shoes as soon as I get home. As the song says I "Stand barefooted in my own front yard with the baby on my hip"
If any of me interests you, write. I will always appreciate an interesting comments.